I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Couch. On fire.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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