I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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