she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
