Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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