so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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