What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
