She said her name was "party"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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