carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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