I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
