My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
