i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
