i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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