I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
