Already got asked if we're dating
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
