You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
