So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Rumble strips road head = magical
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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