Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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