You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
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Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
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