I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
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Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
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Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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