I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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