her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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