I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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