apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
