just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The ass gains better be worth it
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