Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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