Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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