i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
