after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
