My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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