I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
