You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
