I've blown a few things in my day
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
