my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
