so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
