Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
