After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
