i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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