I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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