dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
