I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
