She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
