dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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