I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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