I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Rumble strips road head = magical
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
