I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
