you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
