The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
