i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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