I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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