Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
