I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
